Miss Smiley

Yesterday, I experienced a refreshing, if not tragic dose of pre-COVID life. I went to Morey’s Music to drop off Mr. Chocolate and his bow, who were in desperate need of maintenance. On the way back, I visited my grandpa. I always become a little sad whenever I visit him. When we walked into the backyard, he was on the phone with my aunt, whom my mom has estranged for years. When he saw that my mom was walking in, I could feel the panic in his voice as he rushed to hang up. After all, the last thing two sisters would want to do is talk. I just sat there, quietly observing the humdrum conversations between my mom and her dad. They hadn’t seen each other since March, yet all they could talk about was dollar candy apples and visit from the gardener. His house is an artifact from the 1970s; barely a chair has been moved since my mom was a teenager herself. I thought about how my two elders had sorta just let life pass by them. How they will probably take their petty feuds to the grave. I feel a rush of melancholy wash over me just writing this, best explained by the song “Dust in the Wind.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vl3lydJy9s

On the drive home, I stopped by the drive through for 7 Leaves Cafe. When the pandemic first started, I stockpiled pints of their Jasmine Milk Tea. I couldn’t imagine going without bubble tea, which for more than a year provided me with cheap solace when my violin playing couldn’t. When I wrapped my hands around the 26 OZ Jasmine Milk Tea with boba and light ice, I expected to experience the same fireworks as I did back in March. Instead, all I felt was nostalgia coupled with a little simple pleasure.

During the lockdown, millions of people lamented over suddenly having all fun things deprived from them, myself included. Most people just defied the government restrictions and went out anyway. I, however, wasn’t allowed to. I couldn’t just become a human sloth, so I adapted my being to this dystopian lifestyle. It exposed a lot. Because I could no longer derive pleasure from material things, such as bubble tea, I had to take a hard look at how I lived. Strangely, I think I might be just as happy (if not happier) now as I was before COVID. All my contact with the outside world is trapped inside a computer screen; you can’t get around how much that sucks. However, I no longer really need the “cheap solace.” I have nature, I have music, I have my own positive thoughts.

When I got home, I walked through my beautiful neighborhood. As I was walking, I asked myself what musician inspires me most. My most inspirational musician, Jacqueline du Pre should inspire us all - especially with regards to COVID. I love Jackie because she is the embodiment of music. She is often dubbed “Miss Smiley” because she always wore a beaming smile on her face. Just look at any clip of her cello playing! Pinchas Zukerman jokingly remarked that Jacqueline “played with her stomach.” Her cello was an extension of her body, and thus her song-like tone emanated from the instrument as if she were merely singing. The energy she put into her playing went directly to her face, casting the biggest smile in music history. Her ex-husband Daniel Barenboim understood that Jackie knew comparatively little about the technical aspects behind the music - but she didn’t need to. Feeling the music was as instinctive to DuPre as blinking or breathing, practically making her a consummate musician from the time she started learning. She certainly had a solid musical background, but not as extensive as some of her colleagues. From personal experience (but to a much lesser degree of course), I know that singing from inside of you can bring average technique to new heights. Jacqueline’s natural musical instinct is what most musicians build for years towards, and she was lauded for it. For someone so spirited, it amazes me that she was responsible for bringing the Elgar Cello Concerto - one of music’s most somber works - to the forefront. But she did just that, and had a successful career barely getting into her twenties.

Jacqueline didn’t just embody music through her playing, but also through the way she conducted herself. She just had this electric positivity to her that attracted swarms of people. Always kind to whoever she met, always living life to the fullest. Music never stops moving, and neither did Jackie.

So when she had to stop playing the cello at age 28 due to multiple sclerosis, it seemed like the biggest tragedy there ever was. I remember wondering how God could have cast this disease on her of all people. Yes, she should have been able to carry her happiness and musical spirit for much longer than she was able to. However, Jacqueline du Pre experienced more joy in her short life than most people do in their entire lives. I realized that as I was walking in my beautiful neighborhood, thinking about how my mom and grandpa have just let their lives fly by them. Jacqueline experienced happiness in these large, pure doses, unafraid to make the most out of her life.

But Jackie’s life didn’t just come to a halt after she stopped playing cello. This infamous interview is often criticized for being too blatant about Jacqueline’s past.

However, the interviewer Christopher Nupen knew Jacqueline quite intimately, having previously made a tribute film for her. He knew that having Jackie face her past would not hurt her at all. She missed her old life, yet found new opportunities in her “slower” (if I can use such a word about a degenerative disease) life. It had been a decade since she played the Elgar Concerto, so she made an edition of it. She wasn’t travelling, so she went to the theater. She couldn't play the cello, so she felt her “rebuilding” was to help others. As Nupen said, she was “immensely active physically and mentally.” Jacqueline du Pre was, in truth, doing exactly what she was always doing: giving.

“I don't want to sit there and mope because I can’t do what I used to do.”

That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. But it’s true. Jacqueline had every reason to think her world was gone - just as we do in COVID - and it took incredible strength for her to come to that resolve. Although COVID hasn’t caused most of us to experience anything close to what Jacqueline did, we ought to fully adopt her attitude. We must find beauty in what we can still do.

Travelling, going to concerts, spending time with friends, eating out, going to school, performing, etc. are all things that can and do bring us joy. However, unless we can find joy within ourselves and what we already have, not even the highest of accomplishments will ever fulfill us. For Jacqueline du Pre didn’t lose her worth when she lost her virtuosic cello playing and youthful activity. She was still - and forever will be - “Miss Smiley.”

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More magic...

Schubert, Du, Pre, Barenboim, Perlman, Zukerman, Mehta. The panacea for a low mood.

She didn't even need a cello to sing...