Being weird is a good thing!

Yes, that title looks like it was taken out of one of those cheesy school classroom motivational posters.

Ugh... practically gives me PTSD.....

But really.

How did I go from this rusty, bland, out of tune, just all around HORRIFIC Haydn (look at my tense face)...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pj46HNS5RUH4HrxXcCJW36e8lCKG6eOX/view?usp=sharing

To this somewhat fluid and thoughtfully phrased one…

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1OlaKNzbp7PgaO8JZr0xNUEOVomIZHA2e/view?usp=sharing

...in just a half an hour?

Ha. God knows it isn't talent.

It's simply that I paced around my living room like a madwoman, practically bumping into walls, loudly singing while flailing my arms about as the music moved me. While my mind was still in a trance, I picked up my violin and sang from the inside. Taking advice from my beloved violin mentor, all of my energy went straight to my head as it shook from side to side against my chinrest.

When I first started high school, I was a little... off... to say the least. It was like I had a KUSC chip implanted in the middle of my brain; recordings were constantly playing in my head. It was a broken stereo with no off switch: In the middle of conversations, lectures, passing periods, I would randomly start humming.

Ok, maybe the humming is a little annoying. But why else was I the school anathema? Well, I obviously couldn't contain my excitement and knowledge of classical music. I was surprised when my peers thought that going to concerts was a chore, that they had no gratitude for the violin skills they’d been building since age 7 (that made me LIVID, I would have killed to have violin lessons from a young age). When I was in my school’s top orchestra, they made it very clear that I was not welcome. I was a stark deviation from their cookie-cutter culture of being cynical and depressed about everything. They even hated the inflections in my voice when I speak, always making funny faces whenever I opened my mouth.

For my 15-year-old self, it hurt. I’d only been taking lessons for a couple of months, and I wanted more than anything to be good at violin like they were. Rather than thinking logically about the fact that they’d had years more training than I did, I attributed violinistic success to qualities my peers exhibited. Good at math, technically minded, not overly emotional, coordinated. I literally convinced myself that musical knowledge and a natural musicality - qualities that I have - are useless when it comes to playing violin. Ha. Nonsense.

And so I slowly began my self-imposed conversion therapy into a normal Irvine teen. By junior year, it worked. People began to leave me alone because I no longer projected any sort of interest in my personality.

It is useful to be able to fit into the mold when needed. But that didn’t mean I had to disintegrate my kooky yet fun-loving spirit altogether.

I went months without ever singing a tune.

Especially on Instagram, I see aspiring violinists taking a COMPLETELY misguided approach to violin playing. Instead of asking themselves, "how can I make this sound beautiful?" They say things like "OMG, why aren't my runs perfectly clean????" or "WTF is wrong with my bow arm???" or "damn it I can't seem to make this shift." (or, if they're anything like my past self, it's more like "I literally can't play anything please y'all feel sorry for me). Those are all essential questions, but these young violinists seem to have no end goal in mind. They're asking all the right questions, but they seem to lose sight of what these questions are aimed towards. For a long time, I was one of those violinists. My teacher even commented on my Handel Sonata:

“If I just listened to this, I’d have no idea it’s Vibrato Queen playing it. I would think it’s just some random OC kid.”

And then I met people who were actually successful in what I want to do.

Like my violin mentor, who teaches at one of the nation's top conservatories. He spent 20 minutes talking about lentils and often goes through these strangely specific and astoundingly devoted obsessions. He’s the best!

Like my former long-term orchestra substitute and dear friend. People literally bullied her in orchestra class because she’s a woman who doesn’t shave her armpits, and that she didn’t use seat rankings. What imbeciles. She is a wonderful educator who has driven my more organic approach to music-making. Her husband is an expert early music specialist, and they play in a baroque duo together. Their mission is to put lesser-known composers and pieces to the forefront.

And of course, my violin teacher. If you’re reading this Ms. Chika know that I think you’re awesome! Well I tell you quite often anyway…

When I become a teacher, I want to make something VERY clear to my students. Those qualities that you don’t like about yourself, that others try to shame you for - are the very qualities that will make you successful. So rather than looking in the mirror and thinking “why am I the way I am?” or trying to mold yourself into something “normal” like a teenage girl pulling up a size 00 pair of jeans with brute force… capitalize on the gifts you’ve been given.

In order to do something that most people don’t do, you have to be something that most people are not.

And now? I will happily sing Haydn, or Bach, or Shostakovich (XD) in front of a room full of people. I will indulge myself in the joy of learning about classical music… and, when applicable, rant about it with those wonderfully strange inflections to my voice. :) I understand that these wonderful gifts will forge me into the violinist I’ve always dreamed of being.

I have also made it a goal to wear dresses like this every single day because they make me happy! Screw being “overdressed.” What does that even mean anyway?

I LOVE vintage fashion… hehe ;)

Essentially, I will unapologetically pursue my passions and dreams. Using that approach, there’s no doubt in my mind that I can become the educator-violinist-music blogger extraordinaire, sharing my art with a beaming smile.